Since the time I could remember, there has been domestic violence in the house. My dad has abused my mom physically, verbally and sexually. He has physically and verbally abused my brother and has verbally abused me. My dad has spit in my mom’s face due to his anger, shoved her, pushed her and I remember one incident where he kicked my mom and me (I must have been about 5 years old at the time) out of the house shoe-less for about 5 minutes. And when my dad screams, it’s no joke. He will come close to your face and scream. Writing it, thinking of it, speaking of it puts my body back into a traumatic mode which I am still getting therapy on. Dealing with this for 27 plus years puts your mind and body in a different state that it’s VERY hard to explain unless you have actually been through it or at least a similar experience. Most of the people I have tried to tell growing up just does not seem to understand OR they just pin it back on me as if it’s somehow my fault. I was lonely as a child growing up with only 1 or 2 friends. My sister in law would almost ALWAYS find fault in me. My brother would almost ALWAYS just take her side. My relatives would either make fun of me, compare me to my dad or others and think that I wasn’t good enough for anything. Blame has been constant over the years and I grew up thinking it was my fault because if everyone around me is saying it then it must be true, right? I must be a terrible person. I must be a failure. I must have no potential, right? WRONG. It took years later, my faith, honest and valuable friends and therapy to help me realize that I CANNOT always be wrong. I cannot always be blamed. Not everything is my fault! The domestic violence in addition to the bullying has lead to frequent anxiety attacks where I cry a ridiculous amount, have difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, headaches, stomach aches (to the point of a lot of pain in the belly), sweaty hands, body shaking, heavy breathing, chest pain, twitching and screaming. Unfortunately it can take years to heal from this. I had come to points where I just didn’t want to live anymore. I need sympathy. I need comfort. I need people to care for me. I need to hear “you did the right thing” or “you were not wrong,” more often. Thankfully, although I am still dealing with some of these issues, a good portion of it is out of my life and my life has turned around much better. I am happily married with a great job and starting to feel better about myself and learning to value myself more.
